Balding

Dear Jefferson,

I know this is one that you can relate to, so that is why I come to you…oh wise one…for counsel.

I am LOSING MY HAIR! I never thought I would see the day when I walked aimlessly up and down the hair care product aisle looking for Rogaine, but the day has sadly come. I heard they have this fantastic foam now that is more reasonable to apply, etc. Then if I wasn’t paranoid enough about losing my hair…my wife was cutting my hair the other night (what is left of it) and I wanted it shorter than normal. After cleaning up and showering I looked in the mirror and found a whitish/gray hair on my sideburn. I then found a few other smaller gray looking hairs.

Being a red head is what I have always been…what will I do when I have to be a bald head or a gray head? You gotta love aging!

Anyway, I remember you having a shirt on at a reunion a few years back that read “Got Hair?”…sorry if I was insensitive during this time, Mother Nature is getting her revenge!

Yours truly,
Opie in limbo

Dear Opie,

You should not worry about this problem. Although a great tragedy it is, you are already married! I mean really, why else do men need hair other than to woo women? (Same goes for brushing our teeth, washing our clothes, and definitely changing our underwear).

I started losing my hair while I was in high school. I would cry myself to sleep every night thinking that girls would shy away from my sparkling personality because of my hairless head. Then after a time a small miracle happened. I met a partially blind woman, who is now my lovely wife Jennifer.* It didn’t matter to her that I was bald (and fat). She couldn’t care less what I looked like but just that I let my true personality shine!

So Opie, listen to me and let it go! You can put on all the creams and ointments in the world, but you are just prolonging the pain and misery. Once you pass the first stage of grieving, which is denial, you will be well on your way to depression. Trust me its like heaven there. Except when the teasing comes and I can guarantee that it will…just remember the scripture found in 2 Kings Chapter 2 verses 23-24.

In the off chance that you go gray before you go bald, just be grateful you at least have hair that you can color. You should view this as a wonderful opportunity to experiment with other colors. I personally enjoy the natural skin color.

So give your wife a kiss and thank her for loving you in-spite of your many faults.

*Jennifer is not really blind

Diver

Dear Jeffersonite

I would like to keep this confidential so you can just call me Sethomatic rather than refer to me by my real name. I have recently read an email from my Uncle Don where he asked a very perplexing question and I thought this was a perfect question for the Great Jefferson to handle. I'll just pass it along.

"Does anyone know why divers look so fit when they only do their sport for about three seconds at a time?"

Sethomatic

Dear Sethomatic,

It’s not a matter of only doing the sport for only three seconds at a time, no no Seth, (do you mind if I call you Seth?) it’s a matter of how you look while participating in that particular sport.

I mean think about it. Thousands, nay, even millions, are gathered around in great anticipation to watch you dive off a platform into a pool of water to make either a splash or sploosh. And what do you choose to wear? A Speedo!!! The one article of clothing that acts in similar fashion to WEARING NOTHING AT ALL!!!! (See Diver Photo)

Anyone in that situation, in their right mind I might add, would definitely find time in their daily agenda to work out at least once a day in some form or fashion and participate in a diet suitable to their needs.

As you can see from the provided picture, not working out can be a detriment not only to the participating individual, but everyone else around them too.

Foosball

Dear Jefferson
I am in desperate need of help and I hope that you can provide it. It all started a few years back when my sister got married. I was excited to meet the guy and when I did, he lived up to everything my sister had built him up to be. I invited him to play a friendly game of foosball AND HE ROCKED ME!!! He beat me so bad that I got a headache just from thinking about how bad he beat me. Now I'm a pretty competitive guy, but it takes a lot to get me angry, but the way he beat me just frustrated me! I decided that our next meeting would not be so uneven. I practiced against the local kids, against my little sisters, against anyone who would play me. I thought I was ready to beat this jerk, but when we started, HE SHUT ME OUT WITH ONE HAND!!!!! I got so mad I started bleeding from the ears!!!! I want to beat this guy so bad, but I just can't seem to get there. I have been so concentrated on doing it; I've gained weight, lost my girl and am losing my hair. Help Jefferson, you’re my only hope!

Yours Truly,
Foosloser

Dear Loser,

As the generous and decent person that I am, I will graciously accept and respond to your inquiry. As a foosball professional myself I have so much information to impart upon you. As you adhere to my council you will inevitably rise and become one of the greatest foosball players to ever grace the tables.

Your first step to your eventual foos domination is to STOP beating up on little kids and girls! Who does that? Come on man!

Your second step is to never accept defeat. Punish yourself for losing. The best method I have found for this is to slam your fingers in the door multiple times until blood is drawn. This will instill in your mind that defeat is not an option.

Your third step will be to exercise. By running 12.5 miles every day you will be in the shape of your life. Endurance is the key when it comes to foosball.

Lastly, don’t call your brother-in-law a jerk. That’s mean.

By following and studying these fool-proof steps and the provided chart (click to enlarge) you will obtain complete foosball domination! Or, if none of this helps, you can just pick another sport to beat him at, like racquetball.

MOLE

Dear Jefferson,

Since your services were so helpful in my previous posting, I will now ask a second, much more serious question.

I have a mole on my back. It grows one single hair. It's not much, but it is long. I've always been fond of my hairy friend. But recently I went to a swimming party, and when I took off my shirt, my friends gasped. They were pointing and whispering to each other. (One of them gagged a little into her cup).

It's not me that I'm worried about, but my mole. I think it hurt my mole's feelings because ever since then my hair hasn't grown the same. It's a little weak, and may be turning...gray.

How can I rekindle the excitement?

One Hair Mole

Dear Fur Coated Mole,

I’ll be honest with you. That is awesome. Not really though. It’s freaking gross is what it really is. Your problem is really quite simple, but I can see how others might misinterpret your abnormal, absolutely grotesque, protrusion. So please follow me as I walk you through my completely accurate interpretation of what your mole is trying to tell you.

That’s right hidden deep inside this mole is meaning incomprehensible to many. You see Mr. Mole, what your body is telling you, ever so subtlety, is: first, you are lacking hair, and second, you are lacking ethnic relationships.

To put it bluntly, your friend’s reaction to your obscene growth is NOT the reason for this weakening excitement. No, it is actually your inability to recognize your body’s need for new friends. After some intense rearched I have discovered the criteria your body requires for your new best friend and he should look something like the guy to your right.

Once you begin to act on your body’s wants and needs you will find that the mole, or what ever you want to call it, will soon shrink away. The bond you once had with your mole will grow and become fruitful once again, only with a real person.

The hair you mentioned, Mr. Mole, is just wrong. You might want to get that looked at.

Apendigitis

Dear Strongbad… I mean, Jefferson,

For a long time I have struggled with the fact that I was born with abnormally long arms. Will you please explain why I was chosen to suffer this curse? Any words of solace you might provide would be appreciated.

Gerrod

Dear Gerrod,

Normally such an insult like comparing me to someone as insignificant as Strongbad would fall under my "Refusal to reply policy." However, considering the fact that you could soon die, (and that you are my brother-in-law) I will respond to your query. Before I enlighten you with my brilliance I will share an inspirational story provided by someone very close to me named Jenneefur. It goes like this:

Some of the animals in the jungle became upset over their appearance and the way they were made. Attempting to get some answers to settle their grievances they approached God to find out the reasoning behind their design.

First the Giraffe spoke up and said to God, "Why do I have such a long neck?" His reply, "To reach the food at the tops of the tree of course. Others might run out of food as they scavenge on the ground and in the bushes, but you will always have plenty to eat at the tops of the trees.”

Satisfied with his answer he left and the Elephant began to speak his mind saying to God, "Why are my ears so big and why do I have this long nose?" And God said, "You may hear danger from miles away with these ears I have provided. You may clean yourself and pick up food with your great long trunk."

Again, with another satisfactory answer the animal left. It was now the Chickens turn to say a few words. And he said, "All right, you're not fooling anybody. Either make the hole bigger or the egg smaller!"

Now that you have had a good laugh I shall give you the bad news. Gerrod, you suffer from what is called Appendagitis. It is a very rare disease that causes one or more of your limbs to stretch longer than the others. It is a rare disease that has major consequences. If you do not get this looked at you could suffer serious pain and even death. Just to give you an idea of what could happen if you let it go untreated I have taken a recent photo of you and have used a digital imaging process to show you what you might look like in 10 years.






...........BEFORE

...........AFTER

So you see Gerrod, this is really no laughing matter. I mean look at that arm. WOW!!! In your question you mentioned what curse this was to you. Just be grateful it’s only your arms, which are the same length, and not just one leg, or one arm, or one leg and one arm. No Gerrod, you are not cursed, but blessed!