Foosball

Dear Jefferson
I am in desperate need of help and I hope that you can provide it. It all started a few years back when my sister got married. I was excited to meet the guy and when I did, he lived up to everything my sister had built him up to be. I invited him to play a friendly game of foosball AND HE ROCKED ME!!! He beat me so bad that I got a headache just from thinking about how bad he beat me. Now I'm a pretty competitive guy, but it takes a lot to get me angry, but the way he beat me just frustrated me! I decided that our next meeting would not be so uneven. I practiced against the local kids, against my little sisters, against anyone who would play me. I thought I was ready to beat this jerk, but when we started, HE SHUT ME OUT WITH ONE HAND!!!!! I got so mad I started bleeding from the ears!!!! I want to beat this guy so bad, but I just can't seem to get there. I have been so concentrated on doing it; I've gained weight, lost my girl and am losing my hair. Help Jefferson, you’re my only hope!

Yours Truly,
Foosloser

Dear Loser,

As the generous and decent person that I am, I will graciously accept and respond to your inquiry. As a foosball professional myself I have so much information to impart upon you. As you adhere to my council you will inevitably rise and become one of the greatest foosball players to ever grace the tables.

Your first step to your eventual foos domination is to STOP beating up on little kids and girls! Who does that? Come on man!

Your second step is to never accept defeat. Punish yourself for losing. The best method I have found for this is to slam your fingers in the door multiple times until blood is drawn. This will instill in your mind that defeat is not an option.

Your third step will be to exercise. By running 12.5 miles every day you will be in the shape of your life. Endurance is the key when it comes to foosball.

Lastly, don’t call your brother-in-law a jerk. That’s mean.

By following and studying these fool-proof steps and the provided chart (click to enlarge) you will obtain complete foosball domination! Or, if none of this helps, you can just pick another sport to beat him at, like racquetball.

MOLE

Dear Jefferson,

Since your services were so helpful in my previous posting, I will now ask a second, much more serious question.

I have a mole on my back. It grows one single hair. It's not much, but it is long. I've always been fond of my hairy friend. But recently I went to a swimming party, and when I took off my shirt, my friends gasped. They were pointing and whispering to each other. (One of them gagged a little into her cup).

It's not me that I'm worried about, but my mole. I think it hurt my mole's feelings because ever since then my hair hasn't grown the same. It's a little weak, and may be turning...gray.

How can I rekindle the excitement?

One Hair Mole

Dear Fur Coated Mole,

I’ll be honest with you. That is awesome. Not really though. It’s freaking gross is what it really is. Your problem is really quite simple, but I can see how others might misinterpret your abnormal, absolutely grotesque, protrusion. So please follow me as I walk you through my completely accurate interpretation of what your mole is trying to tell you.

That’s right hidden deep inside this mole is meaning incomprehensible to many. You see Mr. Mole, what your body is telling you, ever so subtlety, is: first, you are lacking hair, and second, you are lacking ethnic relationships.

To put it bluntly, your friend’s reaction to your obscene growth is NOT the reason for this weakening excitement. No, it is actually your inability to recognize your body’s need for new friends. After some intense rearched I have discovered the criteria your body requires for your new best friend and he should look something like the guy to your right.

Once you begin to act on your body’s wants and needs you will find that the mole, or what ever you want to call it, will soon shrink away. The bond you once had with your mole will grow and become fruitful once again, only with a real person.

The hair you mentioned, Mr. Mole, is just wrong. You might want to get that looked at.